Assassination City votes the Dallas Observer "Most Useful As Toilet Paper"!
Thank you Dallas Observer for the poignant mention in your "Best of Dallas" issue. The old adage all press is good press certainly rings true. Since your sneering little piece, our web traffic has increased and we've sold a number of tickets for our upcoming championship game. And now, it's my turn.
Dallas Observer staff writers are generally self-loathing gen x'ers who are pissed they spent a shit load of money on college only to wind up bored in the same city they grew up in and without a better prospect in sight other than writing for the local rag. They are the kids that sat daydreaming in class about the kudos they'd receive for their weekend colunm in the Washington Post or the New York Times, or maybe for the moving journalism pieces they'd write while traveling the globe for National Geographic, then went home and played Dungeons and Dragons with their nerdy friends who couldn't get a date either.
They fancy themselves music and pop culture critics but what somebody failed to tell them is that "critics" are usually the guys who can't play a single note or properly construct a sentence. that's why they have to criticize everyone else. And, while the terminally local Dallas Observer turns their nose up at us and our derby sisters, REAL (ie., national) news sources such as the AP, NBC's Today Show and CBS This Morning applaud the "tough" women of roller derby for their gumption to play a contact sport as well as their intelligence to run an LLC, all in their off time. The Observer is too good to like roller derby, but they're not too good to beg for our advertising dollars.
So ya'll don't mind them. If you happen to run into a writer for the Dallas Observer, make sure pat them on the back and tell them it'll really will be okay someday, like when they decide to grow a set of balls and do something worthwhile other than pull pretty girls pigtails on the playground. One day, those pigtails might belong to someone with whom they don't want to start a fight.
Dallas Observer staff writers are generally self-loathing gen x'ers who are pissed they spent a shit load of money on college only to wind up bored in the same city they grew up in and without a better prospect in sight other than writing for the local rag. They are the kids that sat daydreaming in class about the kudos they'd receive for their weekend colunm in the Washington Post or the New York Times, or maybe for the moving journalism pieces they'd write while traveling the globe for National Geographic, then went home and played Dungeons and Dragons with their nerdy friends who couldn't get a date either.
They fancy themselves music and pop culture critics but what somebody failed to tell them is that "critics" are usually the guys who can't play a single note or properly construct a sentence. that's why they have to criticize everyone else. And, while the terminally local Dallas Observer turns their nose up at us and our derby sisters, REAL (ie., national) news sources such as the AP, NBC's Today Show and CBS This Morning applaud the "tough" women of roller derby for their gumption to play a contact sport as well as their intelligence to run an LLC, all in their off time. The Observer is too good to like roller derby, but they're not too good to beg for our advertising dollars.
So ya'll don't mind them. If you happen to run into a writer for the Dallas Observer, make sure pat them on the back and tell them it'll really will be okay someday, like when they decide to grow a set of balls and do something worthwhile other than pull pretty girls pigtails on the playground. One day, those pigtails might belong to someone with whom they don't want to start a fight.
posted by Anonymous at 1:09 PM
9 Comments:
didn't they say Club Dada is "best rock bar"? Really? Best one? In the whole city?
no, I'm not posting on saturday night that timestamp is all wrong. I'm a limo with models.
hell yeah hunter. doo doo on the observer. i'm glad you pulled the shit out of the can because i was just kicking it around.
Well said Hunter.
that's not just a "massage" section mr.frankenbeans, that is the non therapeutic massage section, the happy ending, the unlicensed servicing.. not the kind i gave you. ha ha. (you get me OP?)
um,....the observer isn't good toilet paper either. maybe "most useful paper cut"?
Yall do suck!
yeah whateva. we have fun. are you only saying we suck because your a sucka? better bring your sucka ass to our CHAMPIONSHIP! we will BLOW you away.
there's an apostrophe in "Y'all."
Go back to Oklahoma.
Yes, and there's a capital "T" at the beginning of a sentence.
Way to insult grammar!
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